Before school starts... family camp story

Hey Birds—

Yikes—school approaches so quickly. It seems like summer just started and it’s already over.

Anyway, before school hits and I forget, I want to tell you about family camp.

Family camp is the one retreat my family takes together every year. For one week we sleep in a one-room cabin, hike to breakfast, sit in our separate programs in the morning, hike back for lunch, hang out in free time in the afternoon, and go to our separate programs at night to finally hike home in pitch darkness to the same old one-room cabin. It's at Forest Home Conference Center in the San Bernardino mountains; it's absolutely beautiful up there, and there's a quiet, peaceful spirit there... I always feel very small, and close to God. There are a lot of activities to do—zip line, rock wall, the creek, the lake, blackberry picking, craft cabin, game room, bookstore, mud bowl, etc., some of which we do in our programs, some of which in free time. It’s a lot of fun, but for the past few years it’s been a bit frustrating. Everyone in my family has different agendas, and different expectations, leading to disappointment, frustration, anger, yelling, etc.

This year, however, it was different. I kept expecting things to get stressful, but it didn’t happen. We still had the different agendas and different expectations, but the attitude had changed. Instead of making assumptions and getting frustrated, we had a much better time actually asking each other what was going on and working around each other’s expectations.

One time, though, the old attitude came back—in full force. I could almost see the walls built around each of us. It hurts that there are times I cannot talk heart to heart with my family—that it’s not safe to. It’s anguish for me. That heartache, though, prompted me to think that maybe God’s plan for my family is not what I’m expecting, not so safe that I never delve deeper into truly knowing and loving my family. When I lean into Him, I catch glimpses of the real people God is creating us to be—and I learn about who we are right now—and remembering that He’s in control gives me peace.

Last year, I really connected with one of the leaders of my high school group. This year he came back, so we got to talk for a little while—it’s so encouraging to be able to talk to someone who’s safe. It was like being at Wheatstone—learning how to listen, how to respond, how to touch on matters of enormous importance without losing perspective. Sadly, not everyone was like that. The kids that influenced the high school group rejected me. I was pretty miserable for those first couple days.

And it let me to wonder, why can’t we accept each other? Why is it so darn hard for us to realize that the persons sitting around us are beautiful, unique, mysterious souls, created in the image of God for His perfect purposes? If we are in Christ—if we have accepted the love He gave to us—why don’t we extend that love unconditionally to others? It’s so aggravating!!!

As I connected with a couple friends from previous years, I was reminded that the whole “cool” thing doesn’t have to confine me. Yes, I didn't (couldn’t) like that situation, but I didn’t have to let that make me miserable.

The last night of camp was special. Every year, we go up to a place called Victory Circle—a neat stone amphitheater encircling a cross—and share our testimonies to God’s victory in our lives. When we were again given the chance, I was the first to stand up—I spoke of two years ago, when God had shown me my family’s brokenness, and how I had let go of that pain. How the people around me had held me as I cried, let me know I wasn’t alone.

I spoke of last year, when I had realized that no matter who the people around me decide to be, I can still decide who I will strive to become—that my worth is not dependent on other peoples’—even my family’s—reaction to me. And again, a part of me let go. God was healing, cleansing, and strengthening my heart. And one of my leaders saw that—and held me as I cried, let me know I wasn’t alone.

I spoke of this year, when God showed me a little more that I hadn’t seen, trampled poisonous lies that I had taken for granted, and opened my heart to a bigger perception of life. I praised Him for showing me that I am nothing—and He is everything. I praised Him for allowing me to reach out to others that are struggling just as I struggled, and for the joy and hope I have in Him for the future.

And after I sat down, my friends around me stood and shared their stories of God’s victory—and I held them as they cried, let them know they weren’t alone.

It was a circle of healing, of acknowledging our broken nothing-ness, and God’s healing love. And it is enough to know our God is faithful to redeem us and open our eyes to something greater, something so much bigger than ourselves, the life we truly desire.

So that was family camp.

I miss you guys—may God use this year to bless you, and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future—

the caitlin-bird